Children do not respect their mother and are rude. Why and what to do if adult children (son, daughter) do not respect and do not love their mother? Maybe it's temporary

Today on the women's website “Beautiful and Successful” we will talk about the relationship between parents and children. How to teach a child to respect his parents?

What is respect?

Respect is the attitude of one person towards another. And it (respect) must be earned. Therefore, the task of parents is to build relationships in a family where love and mutual respect reign.

I sometimes watch one project on TV: “Honey, we are killing our children.” In my opinion, the program is good, although many people think that everyone is playing as fake people. Whether they are fake heroes or not is not the point. The main thing is that leading psychologist Dmitry Karpachov gives practical advice and opens the eyes of adults to many issues of upbringing and relationships in the family. He also talks about the reasons why children do not respect their parents.

So, the presenter often repeats the words that if some problems arise in the family, it means that it is not the children who need to be changed, but the parents.

In one of the programs, a mother complains to the host that her adult daughter does not respect her at all. To which the presenter answers: “Why should she respect you?” Let's think about it, can a daughter respect her mother with her eternal drinking, scandals, yelling and swearing? After all, many adults believe that they should be respected only because they gave birth to children, then clothed and fed them. But isn't it the responsibility of parents to take care of their children?

As people say: “What goes around comes around.” I think that this proverb is directly related to our topic. Agree or not, but children are like a mirror.

That is, if children treat adults with disrespect, it means that their parents treated them with disrespect.

Why do children not respect their parents when they grow up? Because they were not taught this! Because they don't know what respect is!

Being afraid means respecting

Mom works - everyone works! That is, if 15 minutes to half an hour are allotted for cleaning, then everyone gets involved. And only after that they begin to go about their business.

Or teach your children other rules:

If parents work, then children should either work at this time or not interfere. That is, teach kids to wait until their parents finish their work.
If mom is tired, she should rest and then play with the children.
If you don’t want to wait, start working nearby. If you are not working, do not disturb those who are working now.

Rule No. 5. Your example is contagious

Children adopt the style of relationships in the family as a carbon copy. If you show respect for other people, then children will do the same. Ask yourself how you relate to adults, loved ones, and family. Maybe your children repeat your attitude?

Rule No.6. Things are not a substitute for love

We now find so little time for our children. Many adults try to “buy off” inattention with gifts. But things cannot replace love. There is no need to do this. Children will begin to take your frequent gifts for granted. In the future, this will result in lies and hysterics - this is how grown-up children will achieve what they want. My parents owe me!

Better find time to spend more with your children. There should be time together at least once a week.

Rule #7. Latest Chinese warning

Teach your children from childhood to hear you the first time. This is very important for those who want to find the answer to the question of how to raise a child and teach him to respect his parents. Be sure to discuss with your children their responsibilities and rules of behavior in the family. If a son or daughter does not fulfill their duty, they must be punished immediately. There should be no "latest Chinese warnings". Children must understand that punishment will follow immediately.

The women's site does not in any way call for physical punishment! In our opinion, punishment is a restriction in something. For example, in your favorite game or sweets. We talked in more detail about how to punish in the article about reality.

As you can see, there are many nuances that need to be taken into account by those who want to teach children to respect adults. It is virtually impossible to retrain and re-educate a teenager without the help of specialists. Of course, it happens that “lilies bloom in the swamp,” but to a greater extent everything depends on our communication with children. And it depends only on us whether he will give us that very cup of water in our old age.

Question for a psychologist:

Hello, I am 19 years old, my parents are ordinary people, hard workers, there are 4 of us in the family, mom, dad, 9-year-old sister and me. Since childhood, we had disagreements in the family with my parents, I was not a bad student, I was a good student, for the first 7 years I grew up with my grandmother, since there was construction at home, my parents did not pay attention to me, my grandmother and grandfather were the closest to me. When my sister was born, we all began to live together, but there was no attention. As I grew older, I always helped them; when I was 15, the war began, and my mother, sister and I were forced to leave for Russia, my father remained to defend our Motherland. While there, I hoped that we would become family, but no, it didn’t happen. Returning home, I went to college, I hoped that my parents would start to be proud of me, because I entered on a budget and am studying for 5. My parents didn’t care. My mother spent a long time on maternity leave with her sister, we always cleaned the house with her from the age of 11, I cooked myself. It turned out that she went to work, her attitude towards my sister and I became boorish, she can raise her hand and insult, for me this is a common thing, I am used to such relationships, she always humiliated me, I really wanted to prove to them that I not a nonentity, as they said, and went to study to become a computer programmer, since my dad was fond of fixing equipment and understood computers. Now our house looks like chaos, we argue all the time, I try to clean, cook, share my impressions, but it’s all to no avail, mom and dad don’t notice my efforts, if it’s cleaning, then the next day there will be a mess everywhere, since they don’t They make sure that they litter and throw things around, and scold us that it is my sister and I who litter. I have had a boyfriend for 2 years now, a very good young man, we are for a healthy lifestyle, we study together very well, he always supports me, due to constant nerves my health has deteriorated, when doctors undergo a medical examination they write me a lot of complaints about my health When talking about this to my parents, they respond by saying that my health should be treated by itself. A year ago, my grandparents took me to live with them, we didn’t communicate with my parents, and after 2 weeks they called and said that they needed me and that I was a wonderful daughter. Having returned home to celebrate, having created so many illusions that everything would work out, I was shocked. Mom threw out all the remains of my things, my paintings that I drew, photographs... For me it was a blow below the belt. But the hope that everything would change did not leave me. Two days passed, and to this day everything is the same as it was before, only quarrels have grown into scandals and hysterics. Help me, please, how to improve family relationships? How can we ensure that there is respect for everyone in the family and understanding of each other?

Psychologist Yulia Evgenievna Tolstova answers the question.

Hello, Anastasia!

What a good question you asked: “Please help me how to improve family relationships? How can we ensure that there is respect for everyone in the family and understanding of each other?”

After all, this is the most important thing - understanding and respect for each other, when the interests and needs of each family member are taken into account, be it a child or an adult, when children show their feelings, not only positive, but also negative (anger, fear) - they need this , when parents simply love their children for what they have, and not for something (good grades, cleaning the house, etc.).

And this is not a model of an ideal family, this is a model of a family that can raise a full-fledged healthy personality, who will then build their own family model according to the same scenario.

The way your parents behave towards you suggests that perhaps their childhood was not rosy either, or life circumstances have changed the structure of their perception and behavior towards their children.

I get the impression that you and your sister live separately, and your parents live separately (“..her attitude towards my sister and I has become boorish, she can raise her hand and insult, for me this is a common thing, I am used to such relationships, she always humiliated...,” “mom and dad don’t notice my efforts”)

You don’t feel the most important thing - love and emotional support, and since parents are the main people in a child’s life, you want to prove to them that you are good (“When I returned home, I went to college, I hoped that my parents would start to be proud of me, after all, I entered on a budget and am studying for 5.", "...I really wanted to prove to them that I was not a nonentity as they said and went to study to become a programmer technician..", "..they always cleaned the house with her together with 11 years, I cooked myself.”) so that they love you at least for something, that is, the good thing you do (studying, cleaning, helping with housework).

But I’ll tell you, Anastasia, that it’s impossible to change your parents, and there’s no point in doing so. If they saw how bad and painful you were, and felt pity and compassion for you, then one could hope for some feelings. And since, judging by your words, your parents do not feel any emotions towards you except irritation, anger and indifference, is it worth hoping for something better?

Your letter is permeated with resentment, disappointment and desperation to find the love and understanding of your parents. You began to feel unwell (“due to constant nerves, my health has deteriorated, when doctors undergo a medical examination, they write me a lot of complaints about my health”).

That's right. You have a need (the love of your parents), but it is not satisfied, no matter how hard you try to earn it, hence you develop an intrapersonal conflict (I want it, but I can’t get it), and as a result, a deterioration in well-being.

So what to do?

First, think about what good things you have in your life?

Again, based on your letter, these are “your dearest grandmother and grandfather.” and “a very good young man...”.

So it means there are people who love you simply because you exist!

This is wonderful!

I will say right away that the pain that your parents cause to you will be reflected for a long time (needs cannot be replaced, they can only be satisfied).

But in order to take at least the first step towards complacency, you need to stop proving to your parents that you are a good girl, and pay more attention to yourself (love yourself).

You need to accept your parents as they are and try to forgive them. But this is very difficult, although it is necessary for your future peaceful life.

But forgiveness will come with time and over the years.

You are a smart and good girl (probably this is the merit of your grandparents), but now become a little calmer and if you cannot change the situation, look at it from a different angle. Treat her with calm, without proving anything to anyone, but simply love and respect yourself and those people who love you!

All the best to you! Patience, calm and rethinking!

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I think that all parents dream that their children fulfill our requests, that they listen to our opinion and know that if we talk about something, then this is really useful and necessary information.

But very often we are faced with the fact that when we say something to a child, even if he hears us, he very rarely reacts. And if he reacts, then for the tenth, hundredth time.

What to do? How to build such a relationship so that children respect us and consider us an authority, listening to our opinion? Read the article obedient child in 10 steps.

1. Respect your child

No phrases like “You are so and so!”, “Only people like you!”, “How can you?!”, “Look at others!” and other things that may affect your child's personality.

The human brain is designed in such a way that if someone insults us, respect for this person automatically disappears, and it is almost impossible to hear and perceive the information that the person who insulted us says.

In fact, this is a protective function of the brain. If someone tells us something bad about us, we stop considering this person an authority. And accordingly, all the value of his words disappears for us.

2. Be a source of interesting information

70% interesting, educational, new and only 30% adjustments and some kind of moralizing.

It is very important that if you want you to become an authority for your child, and he will truly voluntarily listen to your opinion, you must keep up with the times. Your child must understand that he can turn to you in any situation, that you can always give advice, and that you have the information he needs.

If you see that his focus is decreasing, know that you have gone too far in moralizing and in some information that is not very attractive to him. Return again to interesting information, return to what will help you build your relationship with your child and, accordingly, naturally achieve obedience and respect for you.

3. Lead by example, don't be unfounded

It is very important that your words do not diverge from your actions.

I think that if you see any person who declares some very important truths to the public, but then you find out that he lives completely differently, your respect and trust in him will drop very sharply.

The same thing happens with our children. If a mother talks for a very long time, with instructions, about how bad it is to say bad words, and then the child sees that the mother uses these words in a conversation with someone or on the street while driving when she was cut off, then he understands that not everyone What mom or dad says is important, not everything is worth following because mom, while telling me one thing, herself acts differently.

The classic situation is when parents smoke and the child is told that smoking is not allowed. I'm not talking about coming and smoking a cigarette in front of him.

But if your child has grown to the age when he asks you: “Mom, is smoking bad?” you tell him: “That’s bad!” If he asks: “Mom, do you smoke?”, then a much better effect would be to say: “You know, this is really a huge problem for me. I smoke - it's very bad. I have such and such consequences, and I really hope that you will never do this!”

4. Don't ask rhetorical questions

A very common situation that I, unfortunately, also encountered at the birth of my first child.

When we enter the room, and toys are scattered there again, or when we come to school, and there again the teacher says that he was not prepared for the lesson, or did something wrong, or did not do his homework as needed. to do, and not because there was no time. But because I simply didn’t consider it necessary.

And the parent in such a situation begins to say: “How many times can I tell you!”, “When will this finally end?”, “I’ve already told you 180 times!”, “All children are like children, and you!”, “ Why are you behaving like this?”, “Will this ever end or will it not end?!”

What should a small child answer when someone comes to him with such a proposal? “Mom, you’ve told me this 25 times already! On the 26th time I realized that I won’t do this again and it won’t happen again!”

But this is not real, is it?

Often, if a mother comes into a room and it’s not tidy, and she starts saying: “Again, the toys are scattered, again, things are lying around in the closet!”, while she says all this, she collects it all herself. Because the child, focusing on these rhetorical questions that do not require an answer from him because he does not understand what to say, he misses all further information.

Moreover, he understands that mom can talk just for the sake of talking. And again, our words become just a background for him. He only hears these first phrases, and further concentration of attention drops completely.

It is much better, if you want to achieve results, to speak in clear and understandable sentences: “I want you to clean the room. I will be pleased, please do this and that!”

Don't be afraid that these will seem like authoritarian phrases. These are clear and understandable guidelines for what we want to achieve from our children. If you say them politely, it is much clearer and much more realistic for children to understand what their parents actually want from them.

I want to reveal another secret that the same formula will help women communicate better with their men because very often, if we also start asking our men such rhetorical questions - how many times should I tell you? - They, just like children, don’t hear us.

5. Don't expect the impossible

Do not demand that your child, after your first request, fulfill all orders and tasks with lightning speed, and simply obey you after the first word.

We are not soldiers, and our children are not soldiers either.

Moreover, I want to say that the brain of a small person under 14 years old is for sure! - is designed in such a way that if he is busy with something - he reads, he watches some program, he draws something, or he just sits and thinks about something - then his concentration on everything else drops greatly.

Indeed, a child who is really doing something may not hear us. While in us this causes a very strong reaction, some kind of resentment, and in the end we repeat it once, twice.

When we lose our temper and shout, this irritating factor is very strong, the child flinches, reacts, starts doing something, and in the end it seems to us - a standard phrase for many mothers - “You only need to shout at you in order to you did it!"

It is much better if you see that your child is busy with something, go up and touch him. Such a tactile touch, tactile appeal to the child immediately draws attention to you.

You come up, pat him on the shoulder or head, hug him and say: “Please do this or that!” - the reaction to such an appeal will be much faster, much more willing, and the child will really understand what you want from him.

6. Don't manipulate feelings

When a mother, trying to force a child to act in one way or another, wants to arouse his pity, or, as we usually say, awaken his conscience, telling him that “...dad works two jobs, I’m spinning like a squirrel in a wheel, still a little brother, don’t you see how hard it is for us? Can’t you do your basic work – do your homework?”
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Unfortunately, very often all this is also mixed with a feeling of guilt, which parents try, perhaps not even consciously, to evoke in the child, saying that “...we are doing this for you, dad is working hard to get you into a good institute.” entered!"

What's happening? A small person cannot cope with feelings of guilt. He doesn’t yet understand how important it is that dad goes to work so that he can have something there in the future. He lives here and now, he is not able to bear and somehow regret or somehow, perhaps, accept all the pain that the parent experiences, all the severity of his life or some issues.

And the child unconsciously begins to move away. His psyche begins to defend itself from what could destroy it. How is the psyche protected? Ignorance, reluctance to communicate, lack of any contact. When we ask, “How are you?” - "Fine!"

Therefore, if you want to achieve some things from your children, tell them honestly and without unnecessary emotions that “I need your help now.” “I would be very pleased if you could help me.” “I can’t cope without you now!” “If you can, I will be very grateful to you!”

Such things are much more effective than if we try to put pressure on pity and cause some kind of feeling of guilt from our children.

7. Don't use threats

Sometimes, if our children don’t do something right away, and time is running out, or we have repeated it tenth or twentieth time, many parents resort to threatening: “If you don’t do it now!” or “If you don’t shut up in the store now, I don’t know what I’ll do to you!” “I’ll give you this... When we come home, you’ll get it from me!”

What happens? It turns out that children, who naturally should see guardianship, care and protection in their parents, begin to see us as a threat and act out of fear.

I don't think any parent wants to have a relationship with their children that is based on fear. Because if our children's obedience is based on fear, it will only ever lead to 2 things:

This is that sooner or later there will be a rebellion, and at the age of 14 we will receive the full program of absolute ignorance, snapping, and rudeness from children. We will wonder where they come from? But this is all the spring that we compressed with such threats, disrespect, and some kind of aggressive behavior towards children.

Or the second point - if we pressed hard, and our child was not so strong emotionally at this age, then we simply broke him.

In this case, he will respond not only to our threats and succumb to them, but also to the threats of any people on the street. He will not be able to stand up for himself because his function of defending his opinion and his desires will simply be broken.

If you need to achieve something, it is better to offer cooperation, some other alternative to threats.

Let’s say, “You do this now, mom can buy butter at the store, and we’ll make cookies with you!” or “If you help me now, then I will be happy to collect toys with you later and we can play something together!”

It’s even better if we offer some kind of barter. For some reason, many people don’t like this scheme, but in fact it’s not scary that we offer the child a trip to the cinema or some gifts in return. It is important that in the end, if we achieve what we want, the parent focuses not on the gift, but on what the child did.

He performed some action, tell him: “I am so pleased!” “It was so great!” “You did it after all.” “You did so well—much better than I could have ever expected!”

If we act in this way, then over time the child will understand that pleasing you also gives him pleasure, and no additional mechanisms will be needed.

8. Be grateful

Very often we take the good deeds of our children for granted, especially if they have already grown out of very early childhood.

In fact, it turns out that if he does something - a good grade, or he succeeded in something, or he folded the toys himself, made the bed - there is no reaction. The child sees a reaction from his parents only when he has done something wrong.

What happens? Children's natural need is to please us. Why? Because through the reaction of parents to themselves, the child forms his attitude towards himself. Through this reaction, differentiation occurs as a person. If he hears only negative things from us, this feeling of himself as an individual - self-confidence, the desire to be good, the understanding that you are important to someone, that they love you, it is not filled.

In the future, the child can fill out this function in other places: on the street, in some company, where it will be easy for someone to say: “You are so great!” And then for this “Well done” he will be ready to do anything.

Therefore, thank your children, say thank you to them, and do not be afraid that this will happen often.

I'm not talking about putting you on a chair and clapping your hands for every spoonful of porridge you eat. But what I am saying is that it is worth noticing the little things that our children do every day because in fact, what seems ordinary to us is often hard work for another person.

9. Remember what you want to achieve

Always remember what you want to achieve by saying this or that phrase to your child. Ask yourself – what kind of reaction am I expecting? Why am I going to say this now?

If you ask yourself about this, then in many cases you will understand that you are going to say this phrase solely in order to throw out your negativity, your irritation, your fatigue.

As we have already said before, doing this to a person who is younger than you, whose psyche is still much more touching and much weaker than yours, is simply unacceptable.

Therefore, if you can always ask yourself such a question, I am sure you will avoid many conflict situations and will not say very many words that you would not like to say.

This formula sometimes seems like just some kind of pipe dream. This is a skill - the ability to ask yourself such a question is truly a skill. When you learn to do this, it will help you not only in communicating with your children. This will help you in communicating at work, in communicating with your husband.

Before each phrase, you can take a breath inside yourself and ask: “This reaction now - what will it lead to? What do I want to achieve?

Often this question, like a cold shower, relieves our irritation and we understand that at this stage we do not want to behave in the best way, which gives us the opportunity to choose the right strategy for behavior and communication with our children.

10. Don't expect perfect behavior from children.

Shouldn't we expect ideal behavior from our children? because we'll never get it.

Our expectations will always lead to irritation, resentment and displeasure. Children in life, just like adults, will have their own stages, their own: 3, 7-8, 14 years old, when no matter how we behave, at some point they will say “No” all the time, they will snap back.

All we have to do at this moment is to love them because when a person is good, he is very easy to love. We especially need love precisely when we do not do the best things.

I am sure that in the life of every adult, if we are wrong, there will be at least one person who will always believe in us and say that “Yes, you are wrong. But I know that you are different. You are really good, and we will cope with all difficulties!”

Therefore, I wish you to become just such people for your children, and then they will always respect you, not just listen, but hear and gladly fulfill your requests and wishes.
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We certainly thank you for your concern - you cared as best you could and really have the right to expect reciprocal support from us. Expect, not demand (no matter how outraged this may be to many parents!).

Respect for parents and elders by children is the most important of the seven virtues. “Honor your father and mother...” (remember?). If a child does not respect and love his parents, then he is like a young tree that has no roots, or like a stream that no longer has a source.

Our parents gave us life. It's hard to describe the effort they put into raising us to be who we are.

What do parents expect in return? They need attention, care, ideally love, but above all respect (thus the child shows them his gratitude).

Let's look at the meaning of the word "respect":

Respect is a feeling of respect, an attitude based on recognition of the merits and high qualities of someone or something. // Recognition of importance, significance, value; high mark.

Now let’s think about how many families we see where there are happy relationships between adult (adult!) children and their parents?

That's how people work,

Parents always admit this

It's a shame and strange. And yet, and yet,

Apparently there is no need to be surprised here

And there is no need to be offended either.

Love is not a laurel under a bush.

And he feels more acutely in life,

Who sacrifices, acts, gives,

In short: a giver, not a taker.

Loving my children limitlessly,

Parents love not only them,

But the plus is what was invested in them:

Tenderness, cares, labors,

Battles won with adversity,

It’s impossible to even name everything!

And the children, having accepted their father’s labor

And becoming mustachioed “kids”,

Everyone is already taken for granted

And they call patronizingly

Parents are “old people” and “ancestors”.

When they are kindly scolded,

Recalling the labor community,

Children tell parents:

No need for sad tirades, comrades!

Fewer complaints, more courage!

That's how people work,

Do you want it, don't you want it?

But only parents love children

A little more than the children of their parents.

And yet you shouldn’t reproach children.

After all, they don’t have time to chirp on the branches.

Someday they will have to raise children too,

To feel everything, to experience everything

And visit the “old people” and “ancestors”!

Eduard Asadov

Why is this happening?When does the Age of Great Dislike begin?

More often than not, parents love their young children (especially if they are obedient) and they love them back. Even if this is not the case, most parents will never admit their dislike for their children (even for themselves). They patiently try to satisfy their needs. But let's think about what needs are we talking about?

Most often, their concern concerns the satisfaction of physiological (food, etc.) needs and the need for safety. Many people already have problems with the need for love. Love is replaced by overprotection. Excessive care does not give the child the opportunity to develop, because development, as we know, can only be at the level of overcoming.

“A child is not a plant, he cannot be grown in a greenhouse, under the hood of his own influence” (A. Sorin).

Thus, children are deprived of the opportunity to learn to trust themselves; they grow up with the conviction that nothing depends on them. Often such relationships become suffocating for children, and there are two ways out - rebellion and humility.

It's good if the child rebels. It's worse if you get used to it.

In the latter case, parents forever take responsibility for the lives of their children. But the more responsibility we take for our child, the less responsibility he has left. By doing so, we infantilize him and overload ourselves. No one knows exactly at what age one can consider that parents have “nothing to do with it at all,” and whether this will ever happen at all. Therefore, they feel a lifelong responsibility for everything that their children do. So, someone, instead of the child (FOR him) takes on the function of control over him. Why then should a child develop such a skill in himself?

Lamarck, already in the 18th century, said: “An unused function atrophies or degenerates.” And the further it goes, the worse... A small child is easy to control, but children grow up. And the fewer opportunities parents have to take direct part in the lives of their children, the greater their anxiety due to the feeling of being unable to “pilot” their flight (after all, they and only they are responsible for the result!), and the greater the desire to criticize and prohibit - as an attempt to return control yourself. So it turns out that in most cases, when children expect support from their parents in their development, their parents hinder them more than help them develop. The child grows into an adult who does not have an adequate understanding of his own capabilities and does not consider himself responsible for his life.

What future awaits the parents of such children?

“All the best for children - until they are old?Are children growing up surpassing their parents’ income?”G. Malkin

And then you don’t need to be surprised that parents have such a hard life, and the rest of them don’t care about anything! Do you think that children feel gratitude towards such parents? Whatever the case. What comes easily is usually little appreciated, if noticed at all.

Conclusion: You don’t need to take all the responsibility, you only need to take your own!

Why should parents strive to control their child? Because they view it as an extension of themselves... You control your arm or leg, right? Therefore, for many parents this is a strange question. What about higher level needs? But no way. Can we say that parents respect their children? Is their individuality understood and valued? “What stupidity,” many parents will say with indignation. Why respect them? We respect adults for their achievements, children don’t have them...” (oh)

Is there a lot of real warmth and understanding of the child’s interests in such relationships? So, parents (at best) love their children as part of themselves... and that's all... There is basically no respect for individuality in this system.

What does this lead to?

Elementary disrespect for personality in childhood (and personality undoubtedly exists) usually spreads further. Actually, this is precisely where one of the main causes of conflicts between generations lies. Children grow up, but parents continue to consider them their property, unceremoniously invading their privacy.

What are these boundaries? Many parents basically have no concept of personal space.

How is their communication structured? As a rule, according to the principle “mom (dad) knows best what you need.” But as the children grow up, the mother also gains more and more life experience - which means she again knows better.

Parents try to instill in their children their habits and outlook on life. They are hurt by the fact that children are not what they want them to be, so they ruthlessly eradicate any dissent and difference like a weed. Of course, with good intentions (so it seems to them). They sincerely try to protect their children from mistakes. But in what way? As a rule, by constantly looking for shortcomings and pointing out them... Thus, they turn them into losers, both in their own eyes and in the eyes of the parents themselves. “The road to hell is paved with good intentions”...

Eifthe parent believes that the child is his continuation, an improved copy, then the child inevitably becomes a hostage of parental ambitions, complexes, a tool for settling scores both with other people and with the world as a whole. He “must” meet the expectations of his parents, achieve what they could not, lead a lifestyle that is correct according to their concepts, etc. In fact, we are again dealing with disrespect for the personality of another, with denying him the right to decide for himself how to live. “Give your parents a little trust, and they will use it as a crowbar to cut you open and rearrange your life, depriving it of all prospects.” (Douglas Copeland) And “against scrap, there is no reception”...

Parental vanity can both help a child - support him in achieving results on his own path and then bring a justified sense of pride for him, and seriously complicate life.

The scenario in this case can develop in several ways:

1. Successful implementation of the prescribed scenario at the cost of enormous effort, which still gives parents the opportunity to be proud of the child, but goes against his true interests. In this scheme, the son/daughter suffers.

2. Disappointment of parents over the unsuccessful life of their son (daughter), who either failed to implement the scenario prescribed by the parents due to lack of inclination, or did not even try to do so. With this development of the situation, both parents and, most likely, their children suffer. The realization that you have disappointed loved ones - moreover, parents (the first and, as a rule, the most significant figures in the life of any person) - can be an unbearable burden.

3. Achieving success contrary to the wishes of the parents, perhaps - the implementation of the anti-script. With this scheme, even if a person’s life is successful both from his and from generally accepted points of view, parental pride has no basis. After all, success was achieved not thanks to, but in spite of parents and, in fact, serves as a refutation of their own beliefs, values, and, ultimately, their entire life experience (i.e., their life in general). This scenario is sometimes favorable for the child who realized it, but, as a rule, not for the parents.

It should be remembered: any scenario (even a direct one, even an “anti-scenario”) is a rigid scheme that limits the flexibility, mobility, and adaptability of the individual. If the desire to refute the script prescribed by parents begins to determine a person’s life, it can lead him as far from his main task - self-realization - as obedient adherence to their will.

The main task of parents is to create conditions in which the child can gradually learn to rely on himself, turn to his own resources and develop the ability to satisfy his own needs. needs. The main distinguishing feature of a good parent is that he sees a person (personality) in the child, and not “material” from which one can “fashion” everything that the parent considers necessary.

Unfortunately, it does not occur to many parents that joy for their children’s success, recognition of their independence in achieving it, and simply respect for their individuality can also contribute to children creating their own unique lives.

And as for the main tool of the educational process - criticism and pointing out mistakes, then “what goes around comes around.”

Parable:

“One day a man came to a sage.

You wise! Help me! I feel bad. My daughter doesn't understand me. She doesn't hear me. She doesn't talk to me. She's cruel. Why does she need a heart?

The sage said:

When you return home, paint her portrait, take it to your daughter and silently give it to her.

The next day, an angry man burst into the sage and exclaimed:

Why did you advise me to do this stupid thing yesterday!? Was bad. And it got even worse! She returned the drawing to me, full of indignation!

What did she tell you? - asked the sage.

She said, “Why did you bring me this? Isn't a mirror enough for you?"

The main thing that children inherited from their parents is the habit of criticizing. The children grew up to be who they are next to them. Evaluating and criticizing, knowing “how to”, “how to be a parent”. Parents in general and ours in particular. Once upon a time, their parents told them a lot about what it means to be a “good” child, now it’s their turn. Parents, after all, consider it possible to compare their children with someone else (in the vast majority of cases, not in their favor). Then why are they surprised that adult children compare their parents with someone else? With someone who achieved more, gave more to their children? "Respect? Why do we respect my parents, asks an adult child - “What stupidity.” We respect adults for their achievements, my parents don’t have them...” (familiar phrase, right?).

By criticizing, you only raise critics. You criticize yourself, but in return you only want gratitude and respect? But where will children learn this if their parents only make comments to them, thereby firmly driving into their heads the idea that they are losers and everything they do is not good enough?

We are caught in a circular process of disrespect. It is IMPOSSIBLE to raise respect in children if you yourself DO NOT RESPECT others. How are parents doing with respecting other people? For example, your own parents? “What you yourself do for your parents, expect the same from your children” (Pittacus).

Respect, gratitude and recognition of achievements must also be taught, preferably by personal example. “And whatever you want people to do to you, do so to them” (Luke 6:31).

Parable:

“One man entered the store and, to his great surprise, saw that God Himself was standing behind the counter.

After hesitating, the visitor finally decided to approach and asked:

What do you sell?

What does your heart desire? - said God.

Without thinking twice, the buyer replied:

I want happiness, peace of mind and freedom from fear... for myself and for everyone else.

To this God said:

- It's possible. But I don't sell fruits here. Only seeds" .

Adult children still need feedback, advice, help and approval from their parents. One can argue how much (it depends on whether the parent is still an authority for them) but we can say with confidence that they need support much more than criticism, negative remarks and negative evaluations. It is very important for children (at any age) to receive confirmation from their parents of their success, achievements, and successful development of new social roles.

Why don't parents understand this? Why is there so much criticism and reproach?

1. Parents transfer their own experience to their children, creating an atmosphere of education through criticism in which they themselves were brought up.

2. Parents evaluate their children's successes by comparing them with how they feel about their own achievements. And if they consider themselves failures, then it is difficult for them to recognize the successes of their children. Anyone who does not respect himself is unable to respect others. Unfortunately, one can very often observe how the self-affirmation of some is carried out through the search for shortcomings or the devaluation of others. Sometimes this happens unconsciously, intuitively and habitually, and sometimes it is even emphasized as a leading life principle: “Mistakes must be found in order to get rid of them.”

3. Children often follow a path in which parents recognize themselves (parental script). By warning and scolding children, they actually criticize themselves in the past” (N. Manukhina).

The most important thing is to understand in time that the children have grown up. Otherwise, children have no choice but to distance themselves from their parents or even get rid of them, like old ballast, by moving somewhere far away. What kind of respect and gratitude is there...

The basis of the requirements of respect for parents is the judgment that an elderly person deserves respect simply because he is older (“We have lived our lives! You will live to be my age...”).

However, no matter how cruel it sounds, theoretically an older person deserves respect:

for the fact that he cared about us and now has the right to count on reciprocal care;
Over the years, he gained invaluable life experience.

“Parents and teachers are first and foremost givers, and children and students are takers. True, parents also receive something from their children, and teachers from their students. But this does not restore balance, but only mitigates its absence. But parents "They themselves were once children, and teachers were students. They repay their debt by passing on to the next generation what they received from the previous one. And their children and students have the same opportunity."(Hellinger B.I.)

In fact, it is generally wrong to consider this process as debt repayment. After all, it is impossible to repay the debt for the life that our parents gave us. Such a debt can never be “repaid.” And the demand to return it causes a protest from the children: “I don’t owe you anything,” “By raising me, you were only fulfilling your parental duty” (and for many children: “Parental debt grows as it is repaid” (G. Malkin), “I don’t asked me to give birth." If life and caring for us is a debt, then it can only be returned to the one from whom it was taken. This point of view stops the flow of life, giving rise to guilt, despair and anger in children, and in parents who are “abandoned" , not returning what they borrowed, a feeling of the meaninglessness of the life lived.

Is it possible to fix such a relationship? In the overwhelming majority, it is possible (if there is a desire). How? Decide to enter into dialogue. Understand mutual expectations (after all, they are not always obvious to the other side!). Express your feelings, because where there is such hatred, there is always love. It’s just that mutual grievances do not give her the opportunity to “come out,” just as a gravestone blocks access to freedom from mutual accusations, criticism, and discontent. Those parents who sincerely rejoice in the achievements of their children always remain needed and desired by them. Their children admit that their parents taught them a lot of good and useful things.

Recognition of another makes oneself free. And then the joy of communication appears. And words of acceptance and gratitude are addressed to each other (namely each other). And how this communication will take place can always be agreed upon. Like “adult” with “adult”. After all, normally, parents do not live only for the sake of their children, only their lives, they have their own interests, build relationships with many people. Do not keep all “savings” (deposits) in one bank...

The conflict between “fathers and sons” is eternal. Any society is a system of interaction between age strata, and its development is a sequential change and continuity of generations, which is always selective: some knowledge, norms and values are absorbed and passed on to subsequent generations, others, which do not correspond to the changed conditions, are rejected or transformed.

Parents and children see the world from different points of view. Children want change, parents hold back the progress caused by children so that the transition from old to new will go more smoothly. “Young people think that old people are stupid, but old people know that young people are fools!” (Agatha Christie). It is important not to forget about mutual respect (namely mutual, and not to hide behind the phrase “the egg doesn’t teach the hen”), and to recognize the right to dissent.

So who should start moving towards (if there is a desire to improve relations)? Children or parents?

The one who is wiser.

If these are parents, then shouldn't they be the first to take a step towards their children? If these are children, isn't it time for them to stop building walls and start building bridges? But, in most cases, both believe that it is their job to demand (love, care, respect, gratitude). Requirements are a road to nowhere. So maybe it's time to change direction (from moving "away" from each other to moving "toward")? And if that doesn’t work out, go to therapy, where a specialist who is not involved in family “squabbles” will help establish contact...published

Tina Ulasevich